The expected Self (exS) Cards
To read the card’s use case please click on it.
Sympathy
Fellow feeling – within limits. The card represents a Venn diagram in which two selves come together and the overlap is where the sympathy ‘lives’. The steady even pattern of the interlinked diamonds symbolizes holding together. The potential for sympathy is ever present and an important part of our survival as a species. However in modern life we are encouraged to look after ourselves and sympathy can feel limited or even automatic. The card can be usefully contrasted with Empathy. The latter has more of an organic flow whereas this card is patterned and rigid. The yellow unlinked diamond near the bottom right is one awaiting you to take up the link.
Client Case
A middle-aged lady sits on the sofa. She is so effusively warm and kind that I’m immediately suspicious of something going on beneath her surface. When she talks about the work that therapists do she equates it with the medical profession because we are all ‘life-savers.’ When I ask her for the three words that she thinks defines her Sympathy is the first. It’s also the word she believes others would use about her. Thus far it’s very clear that sympathy is core to her EXS. I wonder why she’s here. It takes three sessions before she feels able to tell me. “I don’t know really. I just…I’ve seen some bad things.” As a gentle way into exploring these ‘bad things’ I suggest she throws some cards. She’s nervous. I explain that these are ways into those forces within us that we aren’t usually unaware of. Her smile begins to falter a little. She throws Instinct (reversed)—Sympathy—Patterns on the horizontal line, Shame in the fourth position and Forgiveness in the fifth. She’s delighted to see Sympathy in the central (EXS) place. ‘There’ she says: “I told you.” I point out that the EXS is a construction and not her whole story. What does Instinct reversed mean here? She thinks it represents her sensitivity to others which underscores Sympathy. But the card is reversed which means that this function is out of balance and suggests her body is working too hard to connect to others. Can she discern a pattern in her behaviour? Not yet. She reluctantly explores the Shame card. She becomes gently tearful. We pause. She wants to go on ‘having come this far’. I frame the question objectively ‘Do you think someone who carries a deep sense of shame works hard to be nice and sympathetic so that she can safely hide their shame? Would they develop an Expected Self that no one would ever suspect they had this shame? She connects Instinct and Shame and acknowledges that the reversed Instinct card works hard to protect the Shame from arising. But the body is overwhelmed and feeling burdened and as a result Shame has arisen beneath the mask of Sympathy. The session has proved very challenging for her and she schedules the next appointment for two weeks. I am uncertain she’ll return: it will take courage to challenge her patterns. The woman who return two weeks later is different. She seems introspective and has clearly been ruminating for some time. “My friends have noticed” she jokes weakly. “They wonder what you’ve done to me!” I return to the five card spread which she photographed at the end of the last session. On seeing it she says- “I’m getting sick of seeing this.” After we both stare at the cards she looks directly at me and says “pornography”. I falter…’Do you mean that the bad things you’ve seen are..in pornography?” She confesses that yes this is the truth and worries that watching porn is ‘the real me’. She has been consumed with guilt and the relief this confession affords her is palpable. “If people found out it would be terrible wouldn’t it?” Her whole life has been defined by the need to look sympathetic but beneath this mask porn offered her another imaginative existence and identity. Porn watching is in strong contrast to her kindly Sympathetic demeanour. In the following sessions we explore ways in which she can become more expressive of what she actually feels and less reliable on this alternative identity.
Question
In an audit of your day how often do you feel sympathetic? Does sympathy enable you to discharge a patterned social function without emotionally connecting ?
Distraction
An inability to focus on what needs to be done in favour of amusements or insignificant side-projects. The card depicts all our parts of the BOTE focusing on cards/phones while the obstacle (one, two or three) lies unattended to in the corner. Something in the challenge of the obstacle is too much to face and so the individual is avoiding it in his or her distracted behaviour. When the card is reversed Distraction is still in operation but the emphasis is now on the individual taking the place of Other and distracting audiences rather than dealing with the issue.
Client Case
The three card schema ‘Disease (UAS)—Symptoms (EXS)—Healing (TS)’ can be useful with this card. It can help explore Distraction as an avoidance tactic for people who lack the bravery or insight or inclination to explore what’s happening in their unconscious. A young man in the entertainment business wanted to discuss his career and why it had appeared to stall. He threw Bonding (reversed)-Distraction (reversed)-Patterns in the first horizontal line and then Joy in the fourth place, Inspiration in the fifth. He knew that he was involved in entertaining because it distracted people from enquiring too closely about him. He’d always felt different as a child but growing up in a rather traditional family did not feel able to express or explore this with friends and family. The reversed bonding card indicated a sense of difference that made him feel fragile and exposed and so he’d learnt to disguise himself by playing the clown. But his self-analysis stopped at this – an explanation that only went so far. By focusing on Patterns he was able to connect to the stories of other entertainers who had chosen Distraction as a means of either hiding or utilising a powerful sense of difference. But to move him out of the stalled place in which he found himself it was necessary to explore the link between Joy and Inspiration – and how an EXS focused on Distraction tried to contain this tension. The circle in the corner of the Distraction card represented Obstacle one – the emotional wound of childhood that persists while the EXS circles through its various duties and responsibilities pretending that the pain isn’t there. He couldn’t let real Joy come through because it might overpower his clowning Distracted EXS. He didn’t want to change how he was understood and yet recognised that he needed Inspiration to move forward. He was, in a sense, trapping Joy for the sake of his EXS – the version of him that was beginning to feel like a trap. As we went through the stages of therapy he got in touch with his inner child and promised to be with him to acknowledge the pain of childhood and in so doing shrink the obstacle into a size he could cope with. The Inspiration would come from the inner boy whose energy he could now tap into. A former female client came to see me about her upcoming marriage. She threw Foreboding (reversed)—Distraction—Alignment. She’d been putting off the marriage because of a deep sense of foreboding and yet now she was being pressed to act. The Distraction here was her frantic search for all the the risks of marriage – especially given her ‘record’ with previous men. The white at the edge of the reversed Foreboding card connects to the joy of alignment and yet she was holding back. At the core here was Obstacle two – the awareness of her personal ideology when confronted with a new world-system. She was caught between the foreboding that told her she couldn’t be conventional and the exciting promise of alignment and letting go. It was with some relief that I heard she’d not talked to her fiancee about this and so I urged a discussion before she became overwhelmed with foreboding and put Distraction in perspective.
Question
At the time of writing the average citizen spend four to five hours a day involved in phone-based distractions. While this fact is generally known it is accepted with a grudge – as if the individual were powerless to resist the lure of the screen. Take an audit of how much time you spend in social media and then try to figure out which obstacle you’re avoiding with Distraction.
Pace
Rush. Dash. Scramble. Moving at speed without paying too much attention to what may be on the route or road. Jumping ahead. When reversed the same but this time going backwards into panic and rushing to short term solutions to stop the fall. Consumer culture is a powerful force insisting on speed with phrases like ‘can’t wait’, don’t delay,’ and ‘act now’ established expressions of conventional discourse. We are all encouraged to align move at a pace in order to fit in. But it’s useful to investigate what planted such a force in the individuals Expected Self so that he or she can understand this and then develop the ability to choose their own pace.
Client Case
It’s not unusual for a client to arrive the office at speed. It’s as if their pace defines their expected self and re-engaging with it – whatever arose in the session – is what gives them a sense of identity. Clients often describe mum or dad moving at pace in their childhoods and they make a vague argument that their own dashing around may be a genetic thing. But what moving at Pace often means is that slowing down or even varying one’s speed is felt to be a risky enterprise. A young female corporate lawyer came to see me about her anxiety. She had already done some research on anxiety and was familiar with my approach. She was in a rush and was ticking through the therapy process as if it were something on her shopping list. As I spoke she was anticipating the end of my sentence and interrupting me to ask her next question. She lived very much in her head and happily acknowledged that her ‘cognitive competencies’ had lead her to where she was today. To interrupt this jagged rush I asked her to throw cards. The novelty appealed. She threw Instinct – – Pace – – Inspiration on the horizontal line; Adaptability in the fourth place and Change in the fifth position. She edited the reading in a way that made sense for her. Thus: her instinctual drive was to move at Pace. How could she find Inspiration to help get better at this? The Adaptability card matched the Change card at the top of the shape. Her parents were high flying lawyers and they had moved house often in order to further their careers. She learnt to adapt to new situations and fit in at different schools because Change was the only constant in her life and this rush made it difficult for her to slow down. Her EXS was the product of the drive to adapt therefore it moved at Pace. But what options did Pace provide for her? She had the material trappings but few lasting friendships. She knew what was fashionable to wear and how to blend in but she’d acquired this information online rather than engaging with a friend. Exploring the Pace card she noticed the blur of movement and its headlong tumble into..what? I asked her who or what it was that made her move at such Pace. Her Adaptability was very much an asset but it had been developed as a strategy for dealing with Change. She was always rushing forward to whatever the next stage was and therefore found it scary to reconsider what a change of Pace would be like. Was there a little girl inside whose needs she was still ignoring in the drive to please her rushing parents? We proceeded to explore what this little girl wanted in a series of listening exercises in the room and at home. For example: she wrote to the girl to understand what she felt at several of the big house moves? What did she say to her parents? She said they were proud of her maturity but perhaps they were rewarding her compliance when she told them – as she so often did – “I’ll be fine”. These exercises brought her anxiety down to manageable levels and she decided to stay at her job while she worked on varying her Pace in a few other areas of her life.
Question
Complete an audit of your whole days activities. Are you in charge of your pace? If not – who is? What does the subject of Pace bring out in your BOTE?
Other-Directed
The state of being beholden to others. The other-directed individual derives their sense of esteem from the approval of others. When this esteem is not forthcoming they make powerful emotionally driven efforts to win it back. The card depicts an individual pulled upwards by the demands of various others and is so infused by their expectations that even their inner centre is invaded by their colours. The individual who draws this card has an uncertain grounding and vibrates while awaiting orders, fulfilling obligations and offering favours. When the card is reversed the Others are operating through the individuals body to hold them back, limit their ambition and ‘know their place’ – not least because the future looks scary.
Client Case
The majority of the individuals who come to see me recognise themselves as being Other-directed. Such a state is useful when it comes to generating customers and making sales. But the need to be ‘always on’ is of limited use when trying to relax with friends and family. It’s not unusual for a wife to send her husband to me to deal with his drinking. Thus the focus is on the behaviour and not the cause. A typical pattern is that of a man who works 60 hours a week in a job he hates for a wife who despises him and has taught his children to mock him. As a result of these frustrations he drinks to excess and this is what he ‘needs to get his head around.’ In many of these cases the man is caught between being an ideal husband and father and wanting to express himself – drinking and letting go emotionally is a long way from ideal but in a machismo culture it’s an easy road to go down. It helps to begin therapy with a discussion through the card of what sacrifice means to him. Did his father and/or mother sacrifice themselves for the family? What were their leisure pursuits? Is the individual in question following in his parents footsteps? Secondly it’s worth discussing the details of his home life: does he talk to his wife or are they in an arrangement instead of a genuine relationship? How might she understand the term ‘Other-directed?’ Is her response to his drinking measured or is it inspired by her own childhood traumas? It’s a bold step for a man to get in touch with his emotions; it’s an even braver one who feels able to bring up the subject at home with the woman who sent him there in the first place. However just getting Other-directedness on the table has to be a useful start because its’s concerned with causes and not just effects. A self-made businessman came to see me because he was anxious about retiring. He threw a horizontal line – Dominant-Other-Directed (reversed) -Empathy. This proud man had worked very hard to build up his business and his children were taking a keen interest in developing it with a view to selling it on. This plan was not altogether to his liking. He identified with the Dominant card as it represented the deep drive he still had to push him on through the days (although he recognised that the rocky road he had taken had not alway been ideal for those around him). The reversed Other-Directed card he read as a representation of the Others holding him back via the Body. The family told him that retiring was in his best interests and that he wasn’t getting any younger, that he deserved to take it easy etc etc. So what role does Empathy play here? The arguments his family made for his retiring made logical sense but they did not feel empathic to him. He thought these arguments came out of self-interest – but then he felt guilty about thinking that. The Empathy would have to come from him. Our sessions focused on developing his Empathy but began by exploring how his being so Other-Directed meant that he had not been inclined to really consider his own well-being for decades in a pattern, he began to realise, started with his father.
Question
Take a moment to consider the obligations of your life: with whom do you have a ‘secret contract?’ In such a contract we may do a lot for someone else and privately hope that they will pay us back some day, in some way – while knowing that that they won’t! This is the essence of Other-Directedness. Obligation, pattern and routine take over and we never express what we want!
Celebratory
Artificial light. A party. Celebrity. A passing moment. Exchanging one carnival for another. Dancing. Fun. Drinking. Dizzy. When reversed an excess of the above hinting at the value of a retreat from too much celebration. Celebrity is a house made of glitter. Reflections dazzle in every moment but the walls cannot be relied upon. An EXS that occupies this space through social media scrolling, making comments or posting images themselves faces the possibility of losing their grounding. An EXS that indulges in perpetual celebration may be avoiding some necessary challenges or even avoiding an inner calling. Celebration has its place. It can be necessary for an individual to let off steam now and then. But problems arise when it takes over and the EXS becomes known by his or her ability to celebrate. This may make it difficult for them to make changes or be treated seriously by others. The EXS can sometimes feel like a prison constructed by others – in much the way that reputations are made and become very difficult to unmake.
Client Case
I have often seen clients who are locked into the Celebratory lifestyle as ‘party animals’. Drug addiction and a dependence on booze are often part of this identity. Their EXS is one that depends heavily on those who know them to be users. The exchange of certain illicit materials reinforces their identity. The secrecy of the arrangements gives it all an added lure. Such clients often appear weary – as if the effort of being that kind of person was taking its toll on them. The dizzy whizz of the stars on the card indicates an ongoing party with no end. The centre of the card is a small dotted circle. What’s indicated here is the difficulty of maintaining any sense of individual identity separate from the swirl. The EXS card is the necessary first step in a reading – to what extent can a client recognise how it seems to operate them? One client threw a horizontal line Bonding – Celebratory – Change. Bonding made immediate sense to him: the individual felt left out without the fun the party. His complete engagement in a Celebratory lifestyle also made sense: an indulgence in drugs and booze obliterated his uncomfortable feeling of being different. By living in this wild but oddly predictable way as a ‘party animal’ the individual’s Expected Self perpetually postponed the need indicated by the Change card. What lingered in his unconscious was the troubling feeling of being different. Useful and lasting change came when we explored his childhood. The abacus of calculation depicted in the bonding card inspired some tearful reflections on his school days. The client had been an undiagnosed dyslexic and struggled in class. This combined with being an only child to insensitive parents made the client anxious about being alone. When we confronted the childhood environment that had made him feel separate he began to value himself and felt less need to escape into the celebratory identity that was his Expected Self.
Question
Consider your own approach to Celebration. How often do you allow this? What are the times of your life in which you have overindulged in this? Choose a TS card and attempt to trace a pathway from the celebration to where you are now. What have been the defining celebrations of your life? When have you overindulged? How are you with others you define as party animals? Is it possible you envy those who find it easy to let go? What place does celebration have in your life?
Convention
Pattern and routine on the most basic and elementary level. Fitting in. Joining by following rather than choosing. The evenly spaced circles against a blue background emphasise process, faceless anonymity. These circles could be heads on a bus seen by heads on another bus. They could be fruit neatly ordered on a supermarket shelf. The fine lines beneath these circles represent sparks of difference and individuality. However all of these lines are broken. Whatever creative ideas or enterprises the subject might like to indulge in are difficult to sustain because they are crushed by the powerful drives (or wheels) of conventional life to conform. When this card is reversed it indicates the beginnings of awareness. The client may have had an experience that draws his conventionality into focus and, if he is lucky, he uses this moment to build and develop away from his Expected Self. If he is less wise then he indulges his body thus confusing escape with liberation. A reversed Convention card is an auspicious start to therapy.
Client Case
A dapper young man enters the room confessing he is bored with life. He has no particular axe to grind and no material concerns to trouble him so I suggest we throw 3 cards as a way of engendering a discussion. The three cards on the horizontal plane were Instinct-Convention-Active Compassion (- Reversed). He instantly recognises what convention is and what it does – his home life, career, girlfriend – indeed the pathway long set out for him by his very caring and traditional parents. Their care has taken the form of order – the safest way possible. This route has been successful but it has come at the cost of him getting in touch with his instinct. (Indeed this facility had to be explored in the room). Instinct’s depiction of the Body/Others core ‘reaching out’ to seven random spheres was disorientating; the Reversed Compassion card suggested someone who could see little point or value in such a reach. The Convention card always points away from itself- ie – what is convention containing or not allowing to come to the surface. ‘Family life’ can be read as a poisionous oxymoron whose bright sunny colours hide oceans of pain and resentment. Little wonder that popular culture pays such attention to reinforcing convention. For example frantic attention to hygiene and order are encouraged as ends in themselves lest we explore what is lies beneath our gleaming surfaces. Convention can be the mask that smothers rage. The client continued to attend therapy before promotion and a pregnancy called an end to what he called ‘this indulgence’ in his last session. And thus Convention slips into place or rather he slips into Convention’s place (and pace) and buries his potential for change. Duties and responsibilities took over. Therapy had represented a partial awakening but was quickly closed down again when it threatened to go deeper (into Instinct for example) than Convention allows.
Question
Look at the shape of your day: how much of this is concerned with routine and following patterns? How long has this been so? How conventional were your parents and to what extent did they set out known pathways for you? Did they act with your best interest while gently expelling signs of difference or did they encourage your difference/creativity? A cold audit of your day considering how Convention shapes your life – rather than you shaping it – can be very revealing.
Worry
A feeling or moment when the individual becomes out of balance and frets over a subject or decision. This is one of the most direct representations of the theory that underpins the cards. The image represents the four elements of the BOTE but the card is stuck in place because of worry. The obstacle is on the lower right and unexplored because of the energy that has gone into fretting. The horizontal axis has been disturbed. In this compass model excessive worry means that the emotions are elevated and at such times the quality of one’s thinking is usually quite poor. When the card is reversed the client or questioner is over-thinking which – when properly defined – means that logic and rationality have taken over and emotions are either ignored or become at best an after-thought.
Client Case
One of the most common ‘conditions’ that clients present with is that of worry. They say they are a ‘deep thinker’ or ‘a worrier.’ They’ve been worrying so long that they give it an almost genetic quality. To what degree worry is a temperamental feature can be explored in discussions with friends and family. But what cannot be discounted are the often powerful environmental factors that shaped the disposition to worry beyond reason. Several of my clients are involved in running their family businesses. They hardly need reminding that this is a stressful and demanding affair at the best of times. If the son of the family has now taken over from his father we can expect that part of his early learning as a child was that ‘dad’ was often stressed, snappy and overworked. This then would be part of the model of masculinity he learnt as a boy. Little wonder that he now self-defines as a worrier. One of these men threw Shame-Worry-Masculine/Feminine. Whilst Worry was the reason he came to see me Shame and Masculine/Feminine needed some explanation. As we talked through the way he conducted his business it became clear that no-one else outside the family knew he was worried. He was a character full of good cheer and was kind to his staff but he felt a powerful degree of Shame about his worries. It hung around in the air as something he could not confront or talk about. It transpired that he connected Worry to his upbringing and the way in which his mother would tremble at his father when the latter was particularly stressed. Thus the masculine/feminine card: men go about their business and women worry because that’s ‘part of their nature’. He knew that this line of thinking was both old fashioned and faintly ridiculous and yet there it was – to worry was to be feminine: it “didn’t solve anything and was a waste of time”. I directed him to some business empathy frameworks where he could share and come out with his worries. I also suggested he start journalling to get in touch with his inner boy – to begin a re-parenting that would gradually bring about a significant healing. While many clients speak of ‘over-thinking it rarely is. What they usually mean is that emotions overwhelm them. But conversely there are occasions when men are so in the grip of rationality that they discount emotional inputs from within and without. I think in particular of a businessman who threw Dominant-Worry (reversed)—Giving. His drive to succeed took no prisoners and he believed the was due to him being hard and logical. But he’d come to see me because he was ‘stuck’, he’d reached the limits of what he could do regarding others. Furthermore he was losing staff (Giving them away) on account of this overly-rational approach.
Question
I think it’s reasonable to suggest that everybody worries but the emphases is different in all of us. Which of your BOTE do you focus on? Does Worry keep you stuck? Go back through your journal and explore what’s freed you in the past and what’s stayed in place.
Escape
Retreat. Hiding. Avoiding. Being overwhelmed and burying your head in the sand. Consider the BOTE of this card: Thinking and Emotions are in the midst of a sparking conflict. The Body at the base is where the individual retreats to avoid this conflict – but the solution lies in the obstacle at the edge of the card. Others are a fuzzy indistinct influence on the conflict. When reversed this card indicates the malign influence of others urging you to follow them into Escape. If we take such a path we ‘swallow’ the conflict, muting the feeling in order to avoid it.
Client Case
This card often resonates with clients. They recognise the party elements and the conflicts that they are trying to escape from. Some also see themselves avoiding the obstacle even while knowing that tackling it would might make an enormous change. A client threw a horizontal line: Lust (reversed) – Escape— Active Compassion. He reflected on the imagery of the Escape card and began by considering all the clashes he was having at home. He and his wife represented the opposing factions in the top half of the card. The white circle of the Obstacle was the deeper resolution that he needed to find to move on but lacked the insight and courage to move forward with. The Lust card reversed often indicates sexual obsession but in the more modest modern format of pornography. In order to avoid finding a resolution he was escaping into pornography. The Active Compassion card suggested making a step back and offering himself some more nurturing forms of rest. When a client occupies the lower ‘half’ of the BOTE compass (with an emphasis on the body and retreat) he is unconsciously avoiding Others as they represent threat. His or her energy is self-focused and understandably so but one of the consequences of this is that little energy is left over to deal with conflicts – the conflicts indicated in the Escape card. This reading is a very useful start to therapy because of its clarity and the need to rebalance the individual so that they may feel able to move forward and consider the white obstacle which represents the unattended and yet powerful emotional force that underscores the conflict. Unlocking the obstacle can bring clarity to the way ahead. I recommended that the client return home and talk through the session with his wife when he felt able. He took a deck of cards and outlined how this session used them to open out the question. The deck fascinated her and they began to talk through their difficulties by experimenting with them. They drank some wine. It transpired that she knew of his pornography habit and had ‘allowed’ it as a way of not dealing with their relationship issues – her own way of avoiding the obstacle. He’d not told her about it because he was ashamed and wanted to avoid hurting her feelings. In short – they were both escaping and while doing so the issue would remain unexplored. This understanding created a new platform and openness and they began to explore couples therapy.
Exercise
What are conflicts and difficulties that you escape? While the subject is important the resolution cannot be found at that level. The emotional root (the white circle/obstacle) has to be explored and fully understood before a lasting resolution can be found. For example – a child brought up in a house where parents argued loudly all the time will be inclined to escape from engaging with conflict themselves. They might call it being shy or ‘keeping quiet’ while it all blows over but the emotional roots of this avoidance have to be understood to avoid escape becoming a habit and as such limiting ones life experience.
Procrastination
To and fro. Back and fore. Indecisive. Fidget. Itch. On a Ferris wheel busy going nowhere. Being stuck and sinking while Body, Others, Thinking and Emotions squabble amongst themselves. Anxiety about progress, or making a decision. The upright position suggests that procrastination has become a lifestyle. When the card is reversed it indicates that progress may now be possible. The white circle/obstacle on the right remains the underlying issue to be dealt with in the upright position. But when the card is reversed the obstacle is in the past (upper left) and movement can begin. ( ie the Body is now in the North and ready to play a motivating factor in change)
Client Case
Procrastination feels like a very first world problem. It’s only when we’re away from the drive to survive that we can we spare the time to procrastinate – even though those in the midst of it do not feel as if time is on their side. Sometimes procrastination is decision paralysis – an anxiety about making a big decision for fear of the consequences if we get it wrong. The source of this is usually the circle/obstacle – the emotional wound of childhood making itself apparent in the actions (or inactions) of the EXS. A young man came to see me about his anxiety. It seems he spent a great deal of time procrastinating about which degree he was going to pursue. The choice was an elementary one – whether to study a course with practical outcomes or one in a theoretical/cultural milieu. The former represented a ‘sound investment’ that he could expect to see the benefits of within a decade. The latter was a more creative choice but it aligned with his developing interests. He threw Fear—Procrastination—Masculine/Feminine. He noticed that the first two cards in the line contained a great deal of animated movement in the BOTE. In a sense they reinforced one another: the unconscious Fear made Procrastination explicable. I asked him about home life and the factors that were informing his thinking on the subject. His father was a very successful man who was ‘prepared’ to let his son go to university and would even pay some of the fees provided the he choose something ‘sensible.’ The imprint of this dominant figure was evident in the clients unease. His mother was encouraging him to do what he liked and to worry about the money later. The transformative Masculine/Feminine card made clear the dilemma – the hard lines represent masculine calculation while the tress and branches represent feminine openness,sensitivity and flow. He was procrastinating because he was unsure who to please – his father or his mother. In the midst of this conflict he felt uncertain about engaging himself because he was not sure about what he was. In this case obstacle one represented his fear: “Will I be heard?” He had learnt that self-expression might not work for him and he curtailed it. The more we pursued the question the clearer it become that he was not particularly interested in either subject area. What he wanted was what most students want – to get away from his parents! I suggested he spend a period of time traveling alone or with close friends to give him the opportunity to start expressing himself. In time he would explain to his parents how Obstacle one was behind his decision but for now he would start exploring the world for himself alone.
Question
Take the card, close your eyes and turn it around in your hand. Notice which way up it falls. If it falls upright then ask whether there is something you’re procrastinating about these days. How does this connect to your own obstacle one? If the card is reversed then consider how your understanding of the obstacle helped you to move ahead from the fuzzy inactions of procrastination.
Control
Order. Discipline. Steadiness. A firm understanding with a small element of doubt. Individual is conscious of responsibilities to Others. Also aware of his or her emotional background (Obstacle one) and has a good grasp of the ideological scripts they operate within (Obstacle two) But remain anxious about what may be next (Obstacle three). Card may indicate a frozen position rather than steady one because of Obstacle three or a related anxiety about the future. A state of balance is indicated but a challenge may be awaiting the individual. When the card is reversed Obstacles lie ahead but the individual has a firm foundation from which to proceed.
Client Case
A young businessman came back to see me after he and I had been through a long and successful period of therapy. We agreed that a great deal had been achieved but there was something still bothering him and however much he practised the tools developed in therapy this stubborn difficulty remained. When I first saw this young man he was enrolled in a period of post-graduate study. His academic success had not been as fulfilling as he’d hoped but over time we developed an understanding of how his childhood had created emotional wounds he had to heal. He broadened his perspective on life and appreciated the value of being an outsider in the business world. By the time he left he was feeling a lot more capable and in command – the Control card indicated this. But some uneasiness remained. He threw vertical cards. We focused on Sorrow in the fourth place at the base of the energy circuit) and Alignment at the top. The Expected Self card is where our energy is known to be operating. No where is this function more apparent than in the Control card. The imagery of the card illustrates that things are more or less in balance but something on the edge of consciousness is threatening this control. My client was rightly proud of his success in business but while staring at the card wondered whether his sorrow represented Obstacle three. What was at the root of his melancholy in the Sorrow card? My client was raised in a religious movement. The Others of his life were united by their faith but he’d been prompted to take a more intellectual and critical approach to their religion. The cost of his thinking had been disengagement – within and without. The TS card Alignment at the top of the energy circuit helped us explore the answer. Others seemed aligned and he didn’t and this feeling gave rise to Sorrow. But I suggested he was confusing cultural and religious association with the bigger wider picture indicated by Alignment. His inclination to control and order meant that he had bracketed off his non-religious past but in doing so had not taken account of the emotional consequences of isolation. If he could think through the emotional pain of his childhood what would alignment mean to him? Obstacle three represents profound transformation. My client recognised that he could break through his need to Control by exploring the deeper meaning of Alignment. By relaxing his Control he could practice alignment – suspending the work of the EXS and letting go into something greater beyond the self.
Question
Consider the role of Control in your life. How certain are you of your foundation? Are you in control of the Others in your life or are they controlling you? In short: how secure are you right now? Control is something we can take pride in as long as we don’t insist we always have to be in charge. The transformation noted at in the bottom right of the card indicates the value of letting go. Simply put it’s the choice between wanting to be in Control and deeply needing to be.
Appearance
How you look to others and – oftentimes – how you think you should look. Appearance is the front of your ‘shop’ – the Expected Self – the display you arrange to facilitate your life with others. However the space between how you appear to be and how you actually feel can often be the issue that inspires therapy. If you’ve been brought up in circumstances in which appearances are paramount then eventually this will create significant pressure and feelings of inauthenticity may arise. The card depicts hearts and flowers representing the pressure to maintain an ideal. The arrows patrol the limit of an over-investment in appearances. The circles represent how a focus how appearances can never penetrate what goes on beneath the surface.
Client Case
In the twenty-first century the rising Other is technology – more specifically the many and varied forms of surveillance that shape our existence. From CCTV cameras to retinal recognition systems how we look has become a crucial determinant in how we are understood. Although the rhetoric often goes ahead of the proof there can be little doubt that how we look – our appearance – is perhaps more significant than it’s ever been. Public space is often criss-crossed by cameras as it represents a cost-effective tool of policing. If we learn how to behave in anticipation of these cameras then we begin to police ourselves. On one occasion a young man came to see me after his image had been caught on camera vandalising a neighbour’s wheelie bin. He was to be charged with a public order offence and was seeing me as part of his lawyers recommendation; it would help his case if he was seeking a ‘cure’ for his anger. He threw Cunning – Appearance – Rhythm on the horizontal line. The man had no record and no history of any form of violence. He had been in steady employment for 5 years and represented no threat to the community whatsoever. He explained that he’d tolerated his neighbours loud music, random shouting and banging for several years. It was just that one night he snapped and his snapping was caught on camera. He and his family were in despair at the injustice of this. Despite attempts to prevent the images of him attacking the bins going public they had and he thought he noticed big changes in the way he was being perceived. Fortunately his employers were understanding and he’d been allowed to keep his job. Colleagues joked about the incident but even these remarks served to unsettle him. How could the card help? Cunning (reversed) represents the emergence of the individual from a period of thinking. The secrecy and gossip that the card connotes are now above ground and ready to be discarded. He or she has absorbed the emotions and is ready to step forth into the light. Ideally they have learnt about themselves and understand a great deal more about what goes on beneath appearances – of himself and others. The Rhythm card helps displace the EXS. While not wishing to underestimate the toll the trial was taking on him and his family Rhythm helps us to recognise that ‘this too shall pass.’ I asked him to recall other difficult periods in his life and helped him to see that although those completely contaminated his consciousness at the time he had let them go. His case was just another in the perpetual cycle of court cases trickling through the system. What he imagined to be the reactions of others may have been nothing more than the way his anxiety was informing his perception. He could choose to be wary and suspicious of others or he could continue how he had always lived – quietly and peaceably. He chose the latter and remained calm and settled when he received his police caution.
Question
How do you react to your image? Does it reflect the real ‘you’ or do you feel there’s something inauthentic about it? Is your appearance a fixed quantity, a frustrating relic of the old you or is it a creative canvas? How free do you feel with it? What holds you back?
Support
Who or what is behind you? Who can you depend upon? How reliable are the Others of your life? The central circle seems supported by Others but not all of the other circles are complete. A range of colours indicate the breadth of support but it stops at the fringes of the circle. What is indicated by the limits of your horizon – the hard blue line at the top of the card. When Support is reversed it suggest a comfort with your own base in the body and asks you to consider who else can support you as you forward. How can others help explore your potential?
Client Case
A man comes to see me about a new business venture. It’s his first solo venture and is understandably nervous. Throwing the cards feels like the right thing to do as it may represent another exploration into the unknown. He throws Foreboding (reversed)—Support—Nurture on the horizontal line, Anger (reversed) in the fourth place and Masculine/Feminine in the fifth. The Support card makes immediate sense to him but only underlines his anxiety about the change in pattern self-employment will necessitate. He’s not even sure his wife is behind him in this new enterprise but the state of their relationship have made him anxious even expressing this to her. We acknowledge this but begin our discussion by pointing out the strong contrast between the UAS and TS cards: the inner life seems wrought and difficult while the way forward powerfully suggests antidotes based on care. I ask him to look at the UAS cards. The foreboding card reversed makes sense. He has considered the options moving forward (from thinking on the left). Energy propels him on to act but he can’t help noticing the battered shapes at the top of the card in a faintly bloody horizon. Others are at the top of his own battered circle shape separate from the cluster of Body, Thoughts and Emotions at the bottom. The Others are what he will need to grow and foster but then he sees the line at the top of support: Is this a restriction or a limit? The reversed Anger card intrigues him. What is he angry about? In this position the reversed card indicates anger directed at the self rather than an actual Other. The upside down volcano has created an Other (new business) that he’s engaged in an imaginative struggle with – a scary Goliath against his fragile David. He recognises that the thinking function is not operative here and that he’s been overwhelmed with the emotional weight of his new venture. The red mist has not improved his thinking. Taken together Anger and Foreboding indicate a very fragile foundation for Support. He acknowledges this and photographs the cards for his homework. I tentatively suggest he can explore the cards with his wife to see what her take on it is as this looks like an objective approach to the problem and not a personal or emotional one. On returning in the next session he tells me they’ve had an honest and productive talk. His intuition that he wasn’t supported was rooted in truth. HIs wife had become used to a certain lifestyle that she didn’t want to change. Thus while she said she supported him her heart wasn’t in it – not because of his abilities but because she had an unconscious anxiety about the risks of change. HIs sensitivity had picked this up and it informed his foreboding going forward. On seeing the nurture card she said she’d do her best going forward. They promised to be more open and honest so that they could be mutually supportive. The anger he felt was unconsciously inspired by the Masculine/Feminine card. The ideal of balance that this card represents was being honoured in words but not in action – ie he felt he was shouldering the burden alone. His unconscious devotion to being the breadwinner was creating the Anger and as a result he was feeling unsupported. Their talk had helped clear the air and the anger began to dissipate. Our last discussion focused on nurture – not as part of his wife’s function but as something he would need to develop in himself as he moved forewarn into the choppy waters of self-employment.
Question
What’s your history of support – from yourself and Others? How much do you rely on others to prop up your expected self? How would it be if that slipped away? So much of our identity is wrapped up in the EXS that it can feel scary when Others fall away.
Restless
Irritable, awkward, ill-at-ease, uncomfortable, out-of-place. The restless card bears some resemblance to the Anxiety card (from the UAS). The card indicates progress inasmuch as they’ve developed a bordered sense of self but they’ve not freed themselves from the anxious feeling. This card suggests an individual on edge because they’ve swallowed the Obstacle rather than seeking to understand it. They struggle to put the phone down, then glance out of the window and then their watch…They say “Im just like this” rather than ascribing their identity to genetics and the forces operating on them from the past. Unlike the Procrastination card they are resigned to their fate and submit to it. Whatever the flows of life around them they remain independently awkward and alone.
Client Case
A lonely man in late middle age looks around my office. He explains that “You’re maybe the 30th therapist I’ve seen.”. And then he smiles confidentially “I know all the tricks.” His resignation feels like a challenge to me. I suggest we break this pattern by throwing some cards. He’s intrigued and throws Fear—Restless—Change on the horizontal line and Joy in the fourth position and Empathy in the fifth. He mutters under his breath “What’s wrong with me?” as he recognises himself as Restless. We then gently explore his unconscious – particularly the contrast between Joy and Fear. I ask what he thinks the light circles are in these three cards. I’m thrown by his answer —‘The light of God?’ As a child he’d been adopted and raised by a religious family who were in many ways empathic. He remembers ecstatic times at Church and had felt a real sense of union with his immediate family and the congregation. And yet while he was experiencing this unity he held the secret of his sexuality inside. Homosexuality was not tolerated in his Church and had to remain so if he was to survive. He had travelled far to experience sex with men – not least to confirm his fears about his sexual identity – but he left these encounters draped in fear. In some ways this felt like a very old-fashioned story of repression but that didn’t dispel his profound sense of Restlessness. He described his homosexuality as something he had to hide and his regular attendance at various therapies was an attempt to swallow the obstacle and break through into ‘normality.’ He was dismissive of the Change card -“if it was as easy as that then I’d have done it wouldn’t I?” But we pressed on to explore what change meant to him. I suggested that normal was not a word but a weapon used to beat everyone who deviated from the norm. Might Change mean a deeper level of acceptance? He was focusing on his sexuality perhaps because it loomed large, because it was his secret, because he was ashamed. Could he embrace commonality – the felt understanding that what we share as a species is far greater than what divides us? If he pledged to Change then this might release the Joy that lay trapped behind his Fear. Had he faced this fear or was it the block and was that block the source of his Restlessness? Empathy could bring release – he’d experienced this as a child and he could draw on the communion of being with others to bring forth Joy again. I very gently asked whether his history of many therapies had become a habitual method for intellectualising his sense of difference. Was therapy a way of avoiding the body and emotions by addressing his sexual identity obliquely? He was tearful and apologised “I often cry.” But the session ended with his feeling resolved to investigate commonality through the body and not simply intellectualise it.
Question
Restlessness is one of the inevitable reactions of our media rich times. While there are more stimuli for this than ever before we can still resist it by centering ourselves. By pledging to look after the person going through this we can develop a mindful state that can allow for the feeling of restless without becoming engaged with it.
Pride
Pride – a nice place to visit but a bad one to stay in. Arrogance based solely on the view of others. A singular focus on others can be useful but too great a dependence will eventually be destabilising. Pride means being suspended by the views of others so much that one has lost grounding. A limited horizon. Indifferent to the views of those who don’t feed your pride. When reversed the card indicates a pride in the body at the exclusion of any target outside of itself. This is the gym body devoted to itself because the outside forces represent threat or insecurity. When reversed the place of Others is limited so meaningful contact with the world beyond is prohibited.
Client Case
The Expected Self has to work. It creates and maintains the impression others have of it but the pressure of this effort can be exhausting. A young woman enters the office straight from the gym wearing an outfit that showcases her fitness. She is here on a whim, something to do etc. She draws Sorrow (reversed) Pride (reversed) and Creativity/Experiment on the horizontal line. We begin, as ever, with her reflecting on the central EXS card which prompts her to ask -‘What is it that’s holding me up?’ I outline the BOTE schemata and she quickly recognises that her focus – the thing that’s holding her up – is her focus on her body. She becomes defensive and asks “Is that wrong?” I explain that the cards are about opening up discussions and not closing them down by judgement. She defines herself as a “very self-driven” woman but the evidence is that this drive has all been concentrated on her gym-body rather than a career. The gym is the space she exercises authority over herself – it is the disciplinary Other to whom she can respond. The struggles and difficulties of her past, the shifting fortunes of her unstable and unpredictable birth-family, can all be safely relegated to the side when she’s at the gym. The reversed Sorrow card with its slowly revolving BOTE sphere indicates the source of her distress (Others) and the impact its having on her body. The gym can only ever be a temporary solution. She knows this. The TS card with its emphasis on Creativity/Experiment represents a way through. And what is the first place for her to do such work? The body. She looks at Creativity/Experiment and wonders how to apply her locked creativity to the body. But the insecurity about those absent Others she’s unconsciously avoiding while working out at the gym is not, at this stage, ready to be challenged. As a result exams about her becoming a personal trainer are to be completed first. Furthermore she needs her pride to keep going. She’s not sure what to do but seems inspired to change her routine and find different ways to explore the connection between Others and the Body. I met her briefly on the street a few months later. She was wearing the branded sweatshirt of a local dance troupe. I’m not sure if this was the change she was looking for but joining a group and entering competitive dance events with others would have, at the least, made her less isolated and more inclined to trust others. It was a start.
Question
Lay out the Pride card upright. Ask yourself this simple question: is pride always wrong? Consider those moments or occasions when you felt a sense of pride. Did you stay too long in this space or did you tamper down your pride for fear of appearing arrogant? What memories linger in your unconscious that determine your ability to feel – and express pride? How might the expression of pride make a difference to your well-being?
Focus
Single-mindedness. Concentration. Dedication to a subject, area or obstacle. Moving forward towards a target. This can lead to an imbalance. The card shows all four elements of the BOTE grouped together in focus and while it may be useful to stay in this state it can become wearing or even destabalizing. When the card is reversed it suggests confusing, incompletion. The object or obstacle is calling the BOTE back away from its downward flow. The performance of the EXS may be hesitant, uncertain or preoccupied. Tension. What can he or she focus on while the initial object is pulling them back?
Client Case
Some of the best example we have of focus occur in sports and entertainment. While these performers go about their craft they illustrate the sort of dedication through their BOTE to the opposition/audience that may be difficult for us. Their level of focus is well rewarded not least because it offers spectators the opportunity to focus on those pursuing clear objectives as a retreat from our busy distracted lives. Difficulties arise when the individual involved in that focus cannot pull away from the object ie they remain in a state of complete concentration and thus don’t feel able to relax. I have seen clients from the world of sport. In order to become a professional athlete the individual has to demonstrate a very high level of dedication from an early age. Professional academies will encourage families to hand their children over to them so that they can become trained to Focus around others engaged in the same game. The appeal to the young boy of such a tribe is obvious. However not everyone can become a professional athlete. Those who fail to make the grade often feel abandoned to the scrap heap at any early age. To use the model: The Body of the young athlete is in thrall to the Others in charge of the game. His Thoughts will be overtaken by the need to learn tactics and strategies – for the game and for personal advancement. What’s not attended to is his Emotional life. Several professional sportsmen have told me of the loneliness felt in training grounds. On some occasions these young athletes have lied about their injuries in order to ensure they gained a place in the squad. The long term injuries are both physical and emotional. Ignoring their pain is the price they pay for their dedication to Focus. Outside sport a dedication to focus may necessitate ignoring everything else that’s going on around you through the BOTE filter. The father who works relentlessly at his job does so because he needs to put ‘food on the table’ but this means missing out on the unfolding drama of his children lives. The children who grow up under such a work-focused regime often follow this pattern in their own parenting. A focus on establishing oneself in a career and keeping up with contemporary pressures can mean relegating what may be different and unusual in ones own thinking. The Focus card asks us to step back from whatever we concentrate on in our Expected Self and consider the merits and demerits behind this level of investment.
Question
Put the Focus card in the reversed position. Can you identify an obstacle that’s holding you back? An obstacle might be something physical that you’ve learnt to live with or a prejudice that secretly informs your thinking. A more powerful obstacle is a childhood lack of support, warmth or encouragement. How does this hold you back? Journal on this. Write to the child who still feels neglected and assure him that you’re there for him and always will be. Relax your Focus: what comes into view?